BadKitty (divalion) wrote,

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Bi Bi, Baby

I felt like writing about this today, but I don't have a specific person or incident firing me up for this post so it may be more philosophical and less fiery than the infamous "Nice Guy" rant of 2005. =)

So, hot bi babes.

Thought that might get your attention. ;-)

I do honestly believe that one's sexual orientation is largely inherent, and therefore my interest in women is no more a "lifestyle choice" than my interest in men. Following through on that interest in women, however, *is* a choice, and one that the die-hard bi chick has to continually make and reinforce for herself, because it sure ain't easy. It's a choice to pursue relationships with men, too, but I have to say that it's a lot easier to default to dating guys. It's not just that there's more cultural approval-- straight guys are everywhere, and most of them at least have grown up believing that they are supposed to make the first move.

Which brings me to the first conundrum of bi girls dating bi girls. Most of *us* have grown up being taught that we're supposed to send out signals of interest, but to wait to be pursued and approached. So you can have an entire roomful of women who are all looking coyly up from under their lashes, smiling seductively, and using come-hither body language...and no one doing a damn thing about it.

Now of course there are always a few chicks who are bolder, and some learn-- either out of desperation, or from spending time in an atmosphere (like lesbian events that welcome bi women) that supports it-- to get up the cunt to brave the approach. And I have to say, for the girl-lovin' guys out there, my heart does go out to you. Being expected to be the initiator sucks. Opening yourself up for rejection sucks. Frankly, I'd like to see the whole pursuer/pursued thing get a lot more egalitarian, because then at least we'd all be in the same boat, and we'd all genuinely sympathize with each other, and we'd all get to both take the initiative for trying to start something up with someone we like, *and* get to kick back and be pursued from time to time.

But trying to be the aggressor with other women as a bi chick (and I'm limiting myself only to that because I don't want to try to speak for the experiences of lesbians or straight men) has some additional complications. First it's trying to figure out her orientation-- because a lot of bi girls read as gay or (more commonly) straight. If she's a lesbian, is she open to being with a bi girl (some really aren't)? If she's bi, is she a sport bi or a career bi, so to speak? And even if she seems to be flirting, it can be hard to be sure. A lot of non-sexual non-romantic hetero female interaction is touchy-feely and kinda flirty. And a lot of bi girls are shy about advertising it so they make their signals extra-super-subtle. Thanks, girls. Why don't you just wear a chastity belt with a puzzle lock, too?

But bi girls can drive you nuts in lots of really creative ways. In no particular order, here are some of the Hall of Famers:

--Girlkissing o'clock (credit for the term goes to wylddelirium), which I've mentioned before, and which really isn't a bi-girl trait so much as it is a faux-bi or wannabi thing. This is the time in the party where your straight friend, who has shown exactly zero romantic/sexual interest in women earlier in the night, either gets drunk enough or brave enough (especially if the party is taking a more decadent turn) to start coming on to one of the most publicly bi chicks in the room, making out with her, and breathily confessing how she's always been SO CURIOUS about what it's like to be with a woman, hint hint nudge nudge.

This is a particularly dangerous trap for the bi chick if she's ever had any kind of a thing for the straight chick, especially if she's drunk too, because it is sooooo easy to fall into bed thinking that when you get up again, you might be dating. Unfortunately, the far more likely outcome is awkwardness, weirdness, and hurt.

The other big manifestation of this is when said straight girl in similar state of mind/intoxication pursues similar actions towards said bi girl, but the point in this case is to make a big show of how pervy/decadent/daring/sexually free the straight girl is, usually for the benefit of the guys who are ogling them. Now, I can't say I've never been in this situation where I knew what was going down and took the girlkissing anyway, because let's face it, if you don't have illusions about it or an emotional investment, making out with a hot girl is a lot of fun. However, woe to the bi girl who doesn't realize that she's a prop in someone else's sex show and that it's really all about male approval.

Which actually brings me to my next two items...

--The Experiment. Now, ok, I know that engaging in alternative sexuality often takes a bit more courage than the widely-approved heterosexuality. But for the love of mergetroid, how many straight people "experiment" with fucking the opposite sex? You don't know you're straight only because it's society's default, you know it 'cause it's what you are. And if you're a girl and the thought of being with another chick both turns you on and doesn't stop you from loving the cock, you are bi. You don't need to "test" it. When you want to fuck someone and you do it and call it an experiment, it's not because you really have to test out your desires, it's because you want an easy escape hatch in case things don't work out or you get scared. It's because you want to both have the sex you've been jilling off to, AND hang onto the hetero identity you're not ready to give up yet. Because, in reality, chick sex is really not that different than boy sex. Yes, you have to lick the cooter, and any penises will be detachable, and there are more bouncy boobies, but the basic mechanics aren't real different. So if you get turned on by women and you generally like sex, you don't need an experiment to tell you that you will like girlsex, because you probably will (unless one or both of you is incredibly inept and even that doesn't have to do with orientation).

And yes, yes, there are degrees of bi, Kinsey scale, all of that. In practical terms, though, that doesn't mean much. Even if your Kinsey number says that you prefer women 90% of the time, there is still no rule that says you will have 90% of your fulfilling relationships in life with women. You can't treat people like they are control subjects in a science lab, or at least, it's a shitty thing to do to another person.

If you aren't sure whether you could ever stick your face in another girl's cootchie, then plan your next vacation to Nevada, go to the best bordello you can afford, and hire a pretty escort. She gets paid to fulfill your fantasies, unlike women you know and presumably care about, who might justifiably feel used and objectified if you're sleeping with them to find out if you're "really" bi. But, women being used to getting sex for free, you can't read the F4F section of any personals ads without finding about three million bi-curious women looking for no-strings-attached sex.

Of course, sometimes what's underlying the "experiment" is a darker side, where the REAL story is that the wannabi is telling herself she wants to figure out if she likes having sex with a woman when the truth is that she does and is actually trying to figure out if she can have a romantic relationship with one. I can't even tell you how messy this gets how quick, and the worst part of it is that one woman ends up bearing the burden of being the standard against which someone's sexual identity is measured. Think about it-- how horrible is it to be the first person someone explores their bisexuality with after which they decide "nah, not so much"? Talk about your crushing blows.

--"My Boyfriend Doesn't Have To Join Us, But He Wants To Watch..." I cannot express how infuriating it is that so many men feel that the image of two women making love is a show that exists for their titillation alone, or that it somehow automatically includes them. No less infuriating are the women who are willing to pander to that to get male approval and/or in a desperate bid to keep their boyfriends interested in them.

This is really one of those fine lines; I find nothing inherently wrong with men appreciating the sight of two women together, even being turned on by it (heck, I'm turned on by watching two guys go at it), nor with the concept of M-F-F threesomes (having enjoyed plenty of them in my time). It's when the women's relationship with each other is treated as not-real, as a sexy game that could be turned off at any time, that I get fed up. There's an attitude that I find really prevalent in female bisexuality, which says that a woman's relationship with a woman is all about sex, that it's "play", and that her relationship with a man is "real".

Part of what makes navigating the waters of bisexuality so challenging is that, if you're willing to hook up with a couple, it can be hard to tell whether their interest in you is as a person or as a sex toy to spice up their lives. Whether or not you're looking for a relationship, even if you just want to have some fun with people you like, it is a really hollow feeling to be pursued as an object. Personally, I wouldn't fuck any couple that I couldn't fuck individually-- none of this "we only play together" horseshit. I know some legitimately poly couples operate that way, but so do all the people who are looking for a living blow-up doll and nothing more.

It's great if you want to indulge your boyfriend's fantasies and make him feel good. But don't be surprised if you can't find a woman who's interested in fucking you both, letting you play bi, and then going away when you're done with her until you're horny again. Once again, Nevada calls.

--The Eeyew Factor. Now I personally have never been with a chick who refused to reciprocate the spelunking because she found cunts icky, but I have known some. I've even known a couple who flat-out said, "If a chick wants to go down on me, I am more than happy to accept it, but NO WAY am I putting my face down there!"

Hard fact of life: If you like being with women, and you like having them go down on you, well then honey, whip out the dental dams, take a deep breath, and get licking. None of this squeamish bullshit, you're a big girl, and it's time to deal with the reality that sex is often messy and sweaty and smells funny. It's only fair, and fingers don't do the same things as lips and tongues. Get in on the thrill of eating out, as a sugar packet I once found in a restaurant so wisely said.

--"Women Scare Me." OK, there are few things in the bi world that annoy me as much as this little cop-out. This is the line that a chick gives you when she's being all skittish about getting into a relationship with you, and it generally has one of two origins: 1) Popular girls were mean to her in high school, or 2) she's had a disastrous relationship with a psycho chick that has soured her on all women from then on.

Invariably, women who say this have ALSO had experiences of being hurt badly by men, but do not have the same level of reluctance to get involved with men nor the same crappy opinion of men based on the actions of a few.

And the subtext of this pronouncement is "I have a lot of issues with being a bisexual woman, but rather than assume responsibility for them and work them out, I'm going to keep you guessing about our relationship until I reluctantly give in, at which point I cannot be held responsible for how I treat you because I'm so very damaged, and also every time you screw up you will be acting on behalf of all womankind and reinforcing my belief that women are MEAN and SCARY."

Grow a cunt, girls. Sometimes people suck and sometimes they screw you over. Sometimes they don't. Stop assuming that every woman is a machiavellian traitorous bitch at heart based on your bad experiences. Stop expecting your girlfriends to be more perfect than your boyfriends. Stop running away from a good woman every time you get relationship jitters. And if you can't do that, then stick to the cock and stop trying to make women jump through hoops to prove themselves to you.

--In Name Only. I think I've pretty well covered the issue of women who only pretend to like women in order to please their men, but there IS a flip side-- women I've met who identified as both bi and poly who, upon hearing I have a man in my life, wrinkled their noses and went on about how much they can't stand guys. It's a lot rarer, but it does happen.

To them I can only say: YOU ARE A LESBIAN. Maybe calling yourself bi seems trendier or safer, but if you don't like the cock, don't give the impression that you do. Oh, and PS? I don't force anyone who fucks me to also fuck my boyfriend, so stop looking like I just said I have an intestinal parasite.

--The Closet Case. If you aren't ready to identify at least somewhat publicly as bi, you have no business getting into a relationship with someone who is and then expecting them to keep it a big secret. This isn't about not telling your boss or not telling specific other people; ideally we could all be out about who we are to everyone all the time, but we don't in practical terms share all of our personal lives with everyone. This is about not wanting *anyone* to know what your real relationship with someone is, in a situation where they are comfortable being open with others. It's bullshit to ask someone who cares about you to hide it like it's something to be ashamed of.

--Communication and Psychodrama. You might as well cut it out with that stony silence and those passive-aggressive hints that something might be wrong, and just come out with what's on your mind, because bi chicks KNOW all those aggravating habits. We've probably done them (and hopefully gotten over them). We know you're building up to a grand mal hissy fit to be unleashed at some unspecified time in the future and frankly we're feeling our straight brothers' pain right now.

Don't make us guess what's bothering you. Don't determine for yourself how we ought to make things up to you, and then not tell us because we ought to be able to figure it out. Also, being female doesn't give you the right to accuse us of being hysterical or suffering PMS. We don't take that from guys and we won't take it from you.

--It's All About Me. Some women are really just interested in their own gratification. They want to prove that they can get anyone they set their sights on, or they want someone to get them off and they're not that interested in making their partner feel good. Trust me, no matter how wonderful you are, you are not so amazing that I am lucky just to be with you and fulfilling your fantasies.

A subset of this is Bi=Interested In Me. It can be either the assumption that because a chick is bi, she will sleep with you if you say the word, or on the other side it can be the assumption that you have to specifically tell a bi chick (who has made no overtures to you) that you aren't interested because she might, I don't know, molest you in your sleep or something. Either way, it's an insufferably vain mindset.

--Playing Coy. The fact of the matter when two women get together, as I noted before but bears repeating, is that someone has to take the initiative. One of the most annoying things in a relationship is when one chick expects the other to do all the "guy" work, all the initiating, all the pursuit. Hate to tell you, but if you want to be with women, you've gotta be willing to learn a new set of behaviors about who takes the lead-- namely, the duties gotta be split, yo. It's not fair to just sit around and expect your prospective girlfriend to do all the behavior modification-- it's no easier for her than it would be for you.

Some women have a slight variation on this, which is that during sex they've gotten accustomed to pretty much just lying there and letting a guy pump away, and they are equally passive when they sleep with a woman. Uh-uh...doesn't fly. Sleeping with another chick takes a little more effort than that. And frankly, a wanton wild woman is worth her weight in vibrators. *leer*


What it all comes down to is, being bi isn't something you do to seem fashionable or edgy. It's up to you whether you have serious romantic relationships or purely physical flings, but at least be honest about what you're looking for and treat your partners like people. A female lover is not an exotic vacation from a penis.

I've had female lovers that I was just friends with, who were very clear that they weren't looking for a big romance or anything, or who even acknowledged that they tended to be rather rarely interested in women. The difference with them is that, first of all, they *were* honest; and second of all that they were considerate and treated me with respect. When expectations are clear and everyone's treating each other decently, you can have some really hot, relatively uncomplicated fun.

I sometimes wonder why, when dating women can be so damn difficult, I still want to do it. Well, what it comes down to is, when you can cut through the bullshit it is absolutely marvelous. Women are beautiful. They are sensual feasts. There's nothing quite like being in love with the person you can chick out with. A girlfriend is more likely to go out dancing with you; she truly appreciates the quirks of a female body's functions; she understands the mixed feelings you have about the male gender sometimes in a way that guys just don't. For me, at least, there's a lot about it that is the same as what I love about dating guys, partly because I know some pretty progressive people and partly because there aren't really qualities that you can ascribe to one gender or the other. I've known women who were fiercely ready to leap to my defense and guys who cried in my arms. So if I make flip generalizations about dating women-- that it's fun to fuck the person you shop with or to go on a manicure date together-- it's because the deeper stuff is not different from the men I've loved: being able to talk for hours on end about anything and everything; receiving passionate, eloquent love letters and poems and deeply romantic gestures; reassuring each other, making each other feel secure and loved; taking care of each other; sticking up for each other. But there's a definite and distinct pleasure to loving a woman, too, the curves of her body, the light in her eyes when she looks at you, her laugh, her gentleness, her strength. Oh yes, women are swoony goodness, even if they are often pains in the tits. ;-)

Edit: Since it seems like a lot of the chicks reading this are new to the wide world of bi, I feel there is one important point to be made as relates to the whole "experiment" thing. And that is that we have all been culturally trained to expect that our first time sleeping with someone is, if it's right, going to be utterly rapturous and multiply orgasmic and perfectly lit and swelling music will play and the great truths of the world will be revealed.

In reality, your first time with a woman-- and pretty much anytime you start up with a new woman-- is probably going to be a little awkward, a little clumsy, a little fumbling. Maybe you *will* get carried away on waves of passion that conveniently smooth away the rough edges. But maybe you will feel nervous and anxious, and not be sure if she likes what you're doing, and not be sure if that was her orgasmic face or her owie face, and maybe one or both of you will be too dry, and maybe you'll bump noses and you'll pinch her nipple too hard and she will stroke you in that place that tickles almost painfully. It may not be great sex-- although it can be, or it can be a mixed bag. How often is your first time with a guy the best sex you ever have with him? Part of the reason the "experiment" mindset is dangerous is that you can end up making judgments about your orientation that have more to do with your and your lover's unfamiliarity with each others bodies...and if you keep sleeping together to "make sure", there's a lot better chance of one or both of you getting deeply involved without making a conscious choice about it, and that's got potential for big league hurt.

And overall one of the things that bothers me about the general perception of the bisexual is that it's entirely about the sex, like it's a fetish or something. Or that it's immature, that being bi means you can't make up your mind or that you're selfish or a nympho or whatever. Fuck that noise. It's about being able to relate to people in general on a lot of levels; it's about letting your connection with someone take its course and end up wherever it belongs, without fear, without (inherent) limits. Thus spake Bad Kitty. *g*
Tags: gender wars, sexuality

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