BadKitty (divalion) wrote,

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Polygamy: The Patriotic Woman's Solution To The Imminent Crisis


It's on HBO, which means it's a pressing social issue being deconstructed and debated by water cooler think tanks in cubicle farms across the country. We'd really better make sure there's a serious national conversation on the topic NOW because surely, if it's on an HBO drama, it's only steps away from Capitol Hill.

Oh sure, you fruity little nay-sayers will protest that we have about as much chance of seeing polygamy legalized in this country in our lifetimes as my left nipple does of cruising up to my forehead for a sprightly summer vacation. You'll say that any political-level debate about polygamy will make the "slippery slope" battles over gay marriage look like a "Dynasty" bitchfight. On that note, surely you'll also point out that any movement to legalize polygamy will be strangled like an unlucky hooker and dumped in a shallow grave the instant James Dobson or Pat Buchanan realizes it's a backdoor (heh) loophole by which teh gay can get married, since any marriage of more than two people usually requires more than one person of at least one gender.

Well, my friends, you don't even have to go to such Falwellian extremes to understand the gravest social implications of legalized polygamy, which as I've noted, is an imminent threat to our nation because it's on TV now. No, the truly serious problem to be addressed is that undesirable men will no longer be able to take marriage for granted, and will therefore have no choice but to join gangs, do drugs, and rape your dog.

Yes, you foolish people, here you were thinking that the objections to be raised would be things like the possibility that women would get to have Teh Sex with more than one person even after saving themselves for marriage, or that a legal family structure might be extended to existing polyamorous families, thus offering them protections they should rightly be denied in order to punish them for their sluttery. Surely you'd at least think that the objections would be about women's inherent badness, since pretty much everything that's wrong with the country clearly went wrong when women started getting all uppity about silly things like "having jobs" and "owning property" and "not getting raped by their husbands".

And here it turns out that the real problem is that men are actually subhuman beasts, incapable of living on their own without degenerating into thuggishness and idiocy, requiring the civilizing force of a wife without which they would never learn how to brush their teeth, or say no to drugs, or aspire to earn high salaries or advanced degrees. How did we not think of this before? I mean really, can YOU think of even one married man who isn't wealthy and successful? There simply don't exist any married men who are in lower socioeconomic strata, who are physically unappealing, who barely got their GEDs and can't spell, and there is no such thing as married men in prison (well, except for "prison marriages", and because that's a slippery slope to things like prison gang marriages and trying to marry one's lidless toilet, we simply won't discuss it).

Honestly, people. MEN CAN'T TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT WIVES. Is that really such a challenging concept? I mean, ultimately, it's really still women's fault if society goes down the toilet, because if you, as a woman, are not willing to scrape up some semiliterate turd off the street and polish his knob till it gleams, it is YOUR FAULT if he goes the way of Reefer Madness. You could have prevented that carjacking, you know, you selfish bitch. But nooooooo, you had to go putting off marriage till you got your doctorate, or being satisfied living the single life, or like, having standards and other unAmerican things like that, you commie whore.

Look at the Declaration of Independence, will you please? What does it say there? "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness". Don't you know that in the olden days, when people used that phrase, it was slang for "a woman"? Come on, people, learn some history-- the DoI was totally a booty call. All that talk about the self-holding of truths, and "endowments" and shit? It's just a simple statement of the male right to masturbate while thinking about the woman to which he is entitled according to our Founding Fathers. And our Founding Fathers were *never* wrong. Again I note, you stinkin commie.

So it isn't men's fault that they just assume some woman will give it up for them one day-- it's their right as American men! They shouldn't have to, I don't know, make an effort or not stink or anything, nor should we expect them to, because it is our job as American women to force them to conform to basic standards of human decency. They simply cannot be expected to take responsibility for their own behavior.

Cripes, do *you* want to be at fault for how bachelor men behave? Mothers, take heed! Do you want to see a world where your son might not marry? There will be no options left for him if he doesn't! I guess he could settle for, like, Pope or something. But do you *really* want him to follow in the footsteps of such undisciplined beasts as Sir Isaac Newton, Johannes Brahms, President James Buchanan, or Jesus of Nazareth? Tragic, tragic failures all...and to think all they needed was a wife in order to make some kind of mark on the world.

But fortunately, there is a solution to this terrible dilemma, and out of the goodness of my heart I share it with you, lady patriots of our proud nation.

Picture it: A few short weeks from now, the bill enabling polygamous union will have flown through Congress with a unanimous vote, and the President will be photographed signing it into law. The ink will barely be dry before legions of men and women, culturally conditioned towards monogamy for generations, shall burst forth from their houses, creating riots as they scoop up every available single woman in sight.

Single men will panic! Previously, they had been led to believe that they could take their time getting around to that One Special Woman. After all, US Census data from 2004 indicates that nearly 54% of all unmarried adults in the country were women, vs. roughly 46-47% of men. So even if all the other single guys in the country snapped up an available woman, that would leave Joe Average about 6,000,000 single women to choose from. Clearly, a buyer's market if ever there was one.

But now, they will have to compete with 110 *million* married men AND 47+ million single men who are all, universally, going to eschew their archaic monogamous ways and start collecting wives like baseball cards. And women, relieved to have the opportunity to shed the burdens of independence and choice, will docilely line up as if for grade school kickball teams, to be chosen for a life of glamour and romance as Wife #17 in the harem, because what woman *wouldn't* want to be another pretty face in the crowd?

Now we all know that no woman ever marries a man who makes less than $80k/year, or who didn't go to college, or who lives in the inner city, or who other people find weird and/or repulsive. Women are, as it is commonly known, genetically programmed to only fall in love with wealthy, successful, gorgeous men. It's because gender relations are so uncomplicated and straightforward that relationship advice has never been a viable cottage industry.

So, because all these women are not doing their divinely-ordained American duty by making their marriage choices based on conservative ideas about what's best for society instead of what's best for themselves, and because no woman in America seriously believes that given the choice, she'd ever want a monogamous marriage with a guy who makes only $40k over a polygamous union where she and four other women shared a man who made $100k, what happens now?

Chaos, people. The end of the world as we know it. Rivers running to blood, rains of frogs and possibly even other amphibians such as newts, cats and dogs living together-- sheer madness! The streets will be overrun by crazed, frothing, wild-eyed single men who, having no goals in life outside of marriage and having been cast out of the gated community by the harem-masters for their many inadequacies, will promptly begin shooting smack, burning cars, and writing angry letters to their local newspapers.

Now as tempting as it may be, my sisters, to place the blame squarely where it belongs on those unpatriotic slatterns who are currently having lingerie-clad pillow fights over who gets to suck their husband's dick this week instead of going forth and civilizing men like they're obligated to, I think we can all be a little more productive than that, n'est-ce pas?

We can return America to a state of prosperity and tranquillity through the sheer power of booty.

That's right, ladies: The answer to this imminent crisis is polyandry.

Now admittedly, doing our jobs to civilize even one man can be pretty exhausting-- after all, it's not like they have any dignity, refinement, or discretion that we don't impose upon them-- but I implore you, don't just be a good American. Be a SUPER American. When our boys went off to fight in WWII, we worked their factories and threw their baseballs until they came home to take it back from us, so it's clear we're up to a patriotic challenge.

I know it's hard to contemplate having sex on a regular basis with two, three, six, a dozen men, since we're all pretty ashamed of our 'ginies and none of us are so slutty as to have anything so base as a Sex Drive, but ladies, spread your legs and think of America! Take those Yankee Doodle Dandies hard and deep, over and over...and over...and in and out and allllll the way in and...out...and...

I'm sorry, where was I?

Oh yes, our patriotic duty.

Now, you may think, "if those guys couldn't get harems of their own, they must be pretty undesirable, right? Why should I want goods that are sub-par?" Well, I won't lie to you, there will be some sacrifices required, at least at first. These are, after all, going to be some pretty shiftless dudes. Like they might not have college educations, or they might do blue collar work, or they might drive a used car. It'll be tough. I won't blame you if you spend long nights crying yourself to sleep. And yeah, probably a little piece of you will die every time you set foot in that '95 Saturn.

So in order to ease your burden, and help you keep a patriotically bright outlook (because it's unAmerican to feel discontent), I have compiled some helpful techniques and some silver linings to help you endure a life as the sole focus of your many husbands' devotion:

--Since the men you will be marrying will be rather primitive beasts, the early stages of the education you give them in the niceties of social behavior should be fairly easy. Since they are driven mainly by food and sex, you can compel their cooperation through granting or withholding either as necessary. ("Oooh, wookit, who wanties a nice big burger? Otay then, go takie a shower like mommy taught you!")
--You can use their inherently competitive nature to your advantage in this as well. They will want the prizes you have awarded one of them, and will eagerly perform the behavior required in order to equal or best their brother-husband.
--Need a night to yourself? Remind them how monogamous men are always bitching that their wives don't let them go play poker or go out drinking with the boys, then send them off with some beer money and your blessings. Not only do you know exactly who they're going out with, but they'll be so grateful to you for allowing them to have lives outside of you that they'll be especially susceptible to your teachings when they return. Plus: A whole evening without fart contests!
--Don't worry too much about their criminal tendencies. Most of those antisocial behaviors can be cleared up pretty quickly under your tutelage, and plus? Who's going to EVER try to rob your home or mess with you if they know you're married to five gangbangers with an arsenal of semi-legal weapons? That pansy-ass ADT can lick your balls. (Hey, they belong to *you* now, remember?)
--Likewise, don't let their minimal education or poor-paying jobs scare you off. Sure, it'll take some time to get them cleaned up to be presentable at an art opening or your office Christmas party, but think of it this way: Even if each of them only makes 20 grand a year, you can be a $100k/year household with hardly any effort at all. If you make them sleep dorm-style, you can probably afford a pretty decent house and get them out of the 'hood at the same time.
--When you get pregnant, there'll be no shortage of people around to run out at 3AM to get you pickles and ice cream.
--Unify your family. Use their degenerate tendencies to your benefit. Institute "colors" and teach them all to initiate each other by making the new guy scrub all the floors and cook dinner for a week. It'll ease the transition from the life of crime you recruited them from, especially the ones you found working helpdesks and mailrooms who've always wanted the chance to be gangstas.
--Men are severely taxed by the effort it takes to be in charge of everything and to enjoy male privilege, and deep down they just want a woman to dominate them and tell them what to do. If you like wearing thigh-high stilettos and wielding whips, you're gonna be living large, sister! If, however, you find it exhausting and unsatisfying to domme your boys, or if you happen to end up with one of the ones who actually thinks he likes being in charge, give him an outlet by instituting a submissive hierarchy in which one of your husbands takes charge of the others. Since men are inherently submissive, they will love you for it.
--Another silver lining you get from picking up those undesirable blue collar thugs and taking them to hearth and heart: You could end up rich just because you never have to pay for a car repair, pipe replacement, lawn maintenance, or plumber again. With the right combination of men, they can build you a dream house for the cost of materials! Throw in a shy, slightly tactless computer geek and you'll have a state of the art home fully networked with wifi and humming smoothly along. Add a barrista for both free coffee beans and someone to brew you your morning mochiatta, and a displaced farm worker to plant you an organic garden, and pretty soon your empire will rival or exceed all but the wealthiest male-headed harems.
--You *will* have to eat a lot of fatty BBQ in the warmer months. On the other hand, you'll never have to cook for months on end. And buying them the best propane grill on the market should net you at least a good couple months of the best thank-you sex you've ever had.
--With multiple husbands, you can have *all* your fantasies come true! Just assign them their roles and outfit them with the appropriate costumes, and you can have the Dirty Doctor, the Motorcycle Hoodlum, the Silent Yearning Cowboy, the Naughty Stable Boy, the Roguish Pirate, and the Lascivious Priest at your beck and call, 24/7! It's like having your own personal Village People, only heterosexual and with better music.
--Men are all bi-curious and love to engage in sexual play with other men as long as it's for the titillation of the women they hope will join in, because let's face it, even the faggiest of flamers is just longing for a good cunting to turn him straight, and male bisexuality is just a big ole invitation that says "WE WANT A WOMAN TO JOIN US!" So when you're having a bad period or are for some reason in need of some time off sexually, create an alternate outlet for their sexual energy by encouraging them to experiment with each other, and to videotape it because it excites you. You'll keep them tame by burning off that extra energy, and you'll get to kick back with a cold one and a chick flick without having a stray dick waggling in your face and interrupting your quality We Channel time.
--When you get those videotapes, please mail them to me. *eg* Just a small way for you to pay me back for helping you through these trying times.

These are the times that try women's souls. The summer slut and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but she that stands it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and man. Polygamy, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the "conflict", the more glorious the "triumph".

It's just common sense.
Tags: gender wars, polyamory

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  • Writer's Block: It's payday!

    I prefer to think of it as WHEN I have a million dollars. =) Right now? I'd buy a car and give the Cruiser to Random as per the original plan.…

  • Writer's Block: Time to move on

    Well, I *am* going to relocate in the next few years, up to the Hudson Valley, so I've thought about this very question quite a lot. Hands down,…

  • Writer's Block: Teenage dream

    I'd be surprised if I recognized him. The last time I saw him, I was 7 and he was 9. It was a sweet little summer puppy love. My family went to a…